But where is the tilde key

Hey speedboats, can we jam on this for a moment?

what am I doing on my pants?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can you see how far he is from the actual keyboard? Do nerds need new ways to masturbate and type at the same time? Also, “Built into the knees are a pair of crotch rocking speakers, around the back you have the added convenience of a back pocket for your ‘mouse’”.I think we can safely talk about computer mice without quotations, Steve Jobs is bald now.

The whale is allegorical

So today I was officially accepted by faculty and SAC both into an exchange into the heart of the Orient. Now that I am going, and am booking tickets and all that, I feel all of this has been done rather whimsically on my part.

Let me relate it to you, literary styles. I have been reading Moby Dick lately, and it is one of those books that is so good you get depressed just thinking about how it will eventually be over. Anywhat I am at the part where the crew of the Pequod has just harpooned, or ‘pooned’ as I like to say, their first whale, and Melville’s description of their being recklessly dragged by the whale out to sea made me think of LIFE.

The point is, I feel like I have pooned myself to this whale, and now it is time to be dragged away from friends and family to wherever it takes me. I am not sure where, but I think about it a lot, and I imagine myself standing on the prow of my ship,(for this fantasy, my ship purple, and crewed by G.I. Joes) looking backwards as my comfortable home grows smaller and smaller on the horizon. It was probably pretty stupid ot tether myself to a leviathan I had barely seen, but that is how I like to do business – stupidly and without foresight.

FEARS

Lately I haven’t been too happy. As a cathartic excercise I’ve decided to emulate Michael Bernard Loggins, the great author, in enumerating my fears. Here goes:

1. Fear of lung cancer.
2. Fear of eating a pizza and there is a piece of glass underneath the cheese.
3. I’m afraid of snakes.
4. Fear of having to tie my shoelaces when it is raining and I’ve been walking around and my shoelaces are really wet and dirty.
5. Fear of inhaling a deflated balloon and choking till I am dead.
6. Fear that failing in my career will make me an unhappy person.
7. Fear of HIV.
8. Fear of tuberculosis.
9. Afraid of going to the doctor when I am sick and they don’t know what is wrong with me.
10. Fear of having a disease named after me.
11. Fear that I will get too old to wear hoodies.
12. Fear of losing my hair.
13. Fear of my elbows and knees bending the wrong way and breaking really loudly.
14. Fear of that Christian god being real cause I have said some pretty bad things about him and the people who dig him. Also you are supposed to fear god according to the bible.
15. Fear that I will get old and confuse wisdom with obstinance and become unable to apologize.
16. Fear of being lied to.
17. Fear of not being able to tell the difference between life and dream.
18. I’m afraid of the dark zeppellin that lands once a year and if you sneak on board they never let you off.
19. Fear that my friends will stop liking me.
20. Fear of becoming dependent on alcohol.
21. Fear of seeing someone OD.
22. I have Imposter Syndrome and all its associated fears and terrors.
23. Fear of failing as a writer. This is a big one, so big it stops me from trying.
24. Fear walking up to someone and saying hi and they don’t say anything so I say hi again. Then they open their mouth and black marbles fall out.
25. Fear of not being funny.
26. Fear that I am becoming less funny everyday.
27. Fear of being in a room with many people and telling a joke I think is hilarious, but only one person in the room laughs and they are ugly.

Not so bad

I had one of those scary nights last night, where you lie in bed and everytime you close your eyes you see your future hovering above you, staring down. In this instance my future was wearing an Alf mask a bit off-kilter so that it had to twist its head to the left to see me and even then, could only do so through one eyehole.

‘Future,’ I asked, ‘oh future, what will become of me? Can I maintain a certain quiet happiness forever? That is all I really want.’

My future tried to answer me. It was a bit scary because I heard the muffled sound, but the mouth on the mask did not move. I asked it to take off the mask and it did so. Beneath the mask was my face but with a wicked future mustache!