unholy dang, it is a new post

hey blog, whoa blog. I know it has been a while since I have talked to you, the internet, so here are some ideas I have been thinking of lately:
-Teaching classes at the Learning Annex that are suited to my areas of expertise. These would be: Grilled Cheese cookery, Minutiae, Discussing the defining features of Bruce Springsteen’s face, Drawing a picture of a dog. If any of these things interest you, call the local community college and let them know I am free most weekends.
-A man getting so excited he can do a couple of amazing feats. These are 1. Playing a trumpet with his ding-dang, and 2. Tearing someone’s head off and throwing it into space, or just tearing apart a roasted chicked really quickly with his bare hands.
-A television special about Bears. Just like, a really good one, not in the vein of a Fox special, but maybe one where they train Pandas to sit around a table and have an English Tea service, or possibly just read an issue of Vogue (probably Australian Vogue). This is what I want to see on television.

More words

Sorry about that last post, comrades. Here are some more good words for saying to make up for it.

Pullulate v. To breed rapidly or abundantly. ‘Want to go nuts and pullulate? we could also just hold hands.’

Trull n. A prostitute. Do any nursery rhymes mention Jack the Ripper keeping the trulls on their toes? good alliteration.

Opsomania n. An intense desire for a particular kind of food. Her longing for ollalieberries subsides in the winter so she neither develops not sympathizes with your abject opsomania.

Noticing

Here are some things I noticed this week:

-An escalator at the moment it changed directions from up to down.
-A giant crane lifting a smaller crane to the top of a building.
-Two pairs of pigeons fucking on the same street corner.
-The texture and patterns on restaurant furniture upholstery.
-The lage quantity of minute debris embedded in my hallway carpet.
-The frequency with which coworkers and family members mention the days of the week in the context of their proximity to either monday of friday.

rhumba time

I enjoy learning the official terms for groups of creatures.

a pod of whales, a drove of cattle, a gaggle of geese. a shrewdness of apes, a cowardice of curs, a pack of wolves. an obstinacy of buffalo, a prickle of porcupines, a business of flies.

I don’t enjoy when, as soon as the subject is breached, some pseudosnot has to blow their wad, informing everyone that a group of crows is referred to as “a murder.” If one more asshole imparts this obnoxious factoid I’m gonna rage like a rhumba of rattlesnakes.

FEARS

Lately I haven’t been too happy. As a cathartic excercise I’ve decided to emulate Michael Bernard Loggins, the great author, in enumerating my fears. Here goes:

1. Fear of lung cancer.
2. Fear of eating a pizza and there is a piece of glass underneath the cheese.
3. I’m afraid of snakes.
4. Fear of having to tie my shoelaces when it is raining and I’ve been walking around and my shoelaces are really wet and dirty.
5. Fear of inhaling a deflated balloon and choking till I am dead.
6. Fear that failing in my career will make me an unhappy person.
7. Fear of HIV.
8. Fear of tuberculosis.
9. Afraid of going to the doctor when I am sick and they don’t know what is wrong with me.
10. Fear of having a disease named after me.
11. Fear that I will get too old to wear hoodies.
12. Fear of losing my hair.
13. Fear of my elbows and knees bending the wrong way and breaking really loudly.
14. Fear of that Christian god being real cause I have said some pretty bad things about him and the people who dig him. Also you are supposed to fear god according to the bible.
15. Fear that I will get old and confuse wisdom with obstinance and become unable to apologize.
16. Fear of being lied to.
17. Fear of not being able to tell the difference between life and dream.
18. I’m afraid of the dark zeppellin that lands once a year and if you sneak on board they never let you off.
19. Fear that my friends will stop liking me.
20. Fear of becoming dependent on alcohol.
21. Fear of seeing someone OD.
22. I have Imposter Syndrome and all its associated fears and terrors.
23. Fear of failing as a writer. This is a big one, so big it stops me from trying.
24. Fear walking up to someone and saying hi and they don’t say anything so I say hi again. Then they open their mouth and black marbles fall out.
25. Fear of not being funny.
26. Fear that I am becoming less funny everyday.
27. Fear of being in a room with many people and telling a joke I think is hilarious, but only one person in the room laughs and they are ugly.

important

I just made and addendum to my Things To Do Before I Finally Die list:

14) Pee on the equator.

The list is in ink on graph paper.

Here is a list of good words for saying

Likewise, Diffraction, Heme, Guys, Asymmetric, Thine, Unholy, Proxy, Average, Mjolnir, Callipygian, Late, Mustache, Awesome, Lolita, Terminal, Sathan, Nice, Ok, Unto, Avarice, Motorboat.